Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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