she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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