When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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