I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
