I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
