Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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