I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
