I CAN MOONWALK!
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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