ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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