fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
