My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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