If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
