no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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