Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Drake has all the answers
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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