Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
His hands were made for my vagina.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
