can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
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she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
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Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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