even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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