guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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