Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
