Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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