I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
