I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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