now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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