I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
