dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
