dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
