She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
