glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
