If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
