I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
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