Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
