she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar