He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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