I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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