Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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