I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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