My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
