if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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