what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
