I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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