I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
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He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
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Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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