My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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