i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
