Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
