i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
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So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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