And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
