she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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