Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I think my vagina is haunted
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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