Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
