I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
