He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
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Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
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you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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