I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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