I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
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