you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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