Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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